You love your child to no end. But some days, no matter how hard you try, you feel like it’s a constant battle. They’re a perfect mix of bossy, stubborn, and argumentative. You would think their main job is to challenge your authority.
You love their spirit, but you’re at your wits end trying to parent it. Believe it or not, having a strong-willed child can actually be a benefit. Here are some tips to consider for parenting your child while reducing some of the struggle.
Create Basic House Rules
Establish a list of house rules for your child(ren) to adhere to. When creating this list, be clear on the rules and keep them simple enough. For easy reference, place them on the refrigerator or a kitchen board, somewhere central where they can get that visual reminder.
Their age can be used to dictate how many rules they have. A good and easy rule of thumb is to give them one rule for however many years old they are. Create enough rules to cover your oldest child’s age.
Routinely discuss these house rules and reference them when your child breaks them. Make sure they are repeating them back to you to ensure understanding.
Avoid Battle Mode
When it comes to parenting a strong-willed child, there are probably plenty of opportunities to enter battle mode. There’s no need to enter the arena whenever you’re prompted. Try to avoid “taking on” your child because it will only lead to exhaustion.
In this arrangement, when your child wins, it gives them an opportunity to walk over you. If you win, it can cause a rift in your relationship and decrease their self-esteem.
Instead, incorporate the rules you created into a daily routine to help deter power struggles. Routines, consistency, and predictability are very helpful for strong-willed children. If you know a certain activity is going to be a struggle, use the routine to be the boss and stay strong. Also, any events surrounding your routine should also be consistent. If they question you, state, “What does the routine say?”
In the event consistency doesn’t play out exactly as you need, you can use a when-then dialogue. “When you do ___, then you can ___.” In order to get their way, they need to do your task first.
Re-think Discipline and Punishment
With strong-willed children, you may feel a natural tendency towards discipline and punishment, such as time-out, losing a device, grounding, yelling, or even spanking. Unfortunately, these types of discipline and punishment aren’t sustainable, nor are they the most effective. It just puts you right into a battle of wills with your child that your goal is to avoid. Plus, it gives them a reason to get better at hiding their behaviors.
You may need to take a step back and get a little creative here. Work on figuring out what is causing the bad behavior and try to find solutions. When your child feels supported in the cause, rather than you acting against them, they’ll be more likely to cooperate.
While they may still need some discipline, use a technique that allows your child to reflect or compensate for their behavior. For example, if they hit their sibling, in return, they’ll need to do something kind for them.
Give Some Autonomy
Power struggles can often occur when your child is looking for autonomy and control. Shifting control over to them may seem a bit overwhelming and nerve-wracking, but it could benefit you in the long run.
When you know what areas trigger your child into fight mode, find areas you can and are willing to concede control. Decision-making abilities can increase their perception of power positively and improve internal motivation. Little decision-making capabilities may just improve their attitude and behavior.
Do you feel like you’re in a constant game of tug and war with your child? Contact us to learn more about your options and how to overcome the power struggles. Or, read more on our Child Therapy services.